


Rainy Day

by Stalene



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Phase Four (Gorillaz)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 13:52:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15607668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stalene/pseuds/Stalene
Summary: A quiet rainy day full of reflection. Vent writing, soft Murdoc. Fluff and Angst.





	Rainy Day

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I wasn't happy with myself.

Gray blue.

Small shafts of light peaked through the dense clouds, only for a few moments, then disappeared. It created a grayish-blue hue to the room, the soft light mixed with the gentle tapping of rain against the window class was calming. Such a wonderful, dreary day. 

His eyes flicked down, slowly focusing on a patch of vibrant blue hair - the mans lips parted. His partner took a deep breath, letting out a little hum as he shifted closer to the bassist. They had been through so much together, so much pain and hardship - it felt nice to finally slow down. It felt nice to be able to enjoy someone else, it almost brought a smile to Murdocs lips. He lifted a hand, gently running it through Stuarts hair - causing more little whines to escape the singer, who’s sleep threatened to be disturbed. 

Murdoc had been awake for a few hours now, simply admiring his partner. He knew he never really showed it, closing down emotionally all to easy. But he loved Stu, a little slice of heaven brought to him on a silver platter. No matter what he did, no matter what horrible words he said, the singer found a way to smile at him anyways and continue on. 

He bit down on his cheek, heart aching. Stuart deserved so much better, or at least to know there was some semblance of a relationship between them. He… Did know Murdoc cared in his own little ways - right? The bassist hadn’t been brought up to show affection like other people, it was a difficult concept to grasp. He knew was sex was, but that was different. At least that's what he learned over the years, after a while people crave more. Did Murdoc even have anything more to give? His heart had shriveled up long ago, embracing the cold darkness of the world around him. He had adapted, but Stuart? He hadn’t. The same large grin through out the phase, even during their time on that wretched peach. 

Plastic Beach. Just thinking about those times cause and anxiety to churn his stomach. He had completely lost himself, even worse he had harmed someone who he considered dear to him. He’d never forget the look of terror that turned Stu’s black eyes to white. Murdoc gently ran his finger down 2D’s cheek, he remembered the bruises. The other man still carried the scars of his abuse. He wished he could take it all back, but the past was inerasable. There would come a day when Stuart would leave him, and leave him for good. Murdoc came to terms with that after they came to terms with each other again, though he knew Stu would move on. Find someone better, perhaps. Maybe actually get a girl that wasn’t as toxic as Paula, or… Anything like Murdoc. 

With age, came reminiscence. Murdoc thought more and more back to his childhood. He no longer saw himself when he looked into the mirror, instead the man he could have became. Slimy green skin, black hair, sadistic grin - the spitting image of his father. Everything he hadn’t wanted to be, but at the same time encouraged turning into. The further he fell, the harder he realized it would be to pick himself back up, so he finally decided to stop trying. He fell further and further into his own darkness - 2D became his light. But that light was dying out, just as it had on Plastic beach. Maybe this time was Murdocs final recovery, maybe it was time to slip into that darkness forever. Everything in his life was damaged, he was damaged. 

Noodle didn’t look at him anymore, a coldness overcame her. A sharp aggravation that lingered, and it was Murdocs fault it had come upon her. He missed the warmth the girl used to carry, how she’d shout his name whenever she learned to play something new. 

\-------

“Murdoc, Murdoc!” The small girl came sprinting down the stairs, guitar that was slightly to large for her in her hands, “look Murdoc!” She grinned, The bassist simply rolled his eyes - taking a puff of his fag.

“What is it, Noodle. M’busy.” The bassist grunted, wanting nothing to do with the small girl. 

“Looky!” She plopped down to her knees, positioning her fingers on the strings. The girl played a riff that Murdoc had asked her to learn for the album. She had finally gotten in perfect, grinning like a fool as she played. 

“‘Bout time.” He muttered with disinterest, “Tha’s only part of it, y’need to get the rest of it down, poppet. Then we can finally get a move on with this bloody thing.” He dismissed her.

\------

Regret made him realize how much of a mistake he made, the only memories he had anymore were sad ones. His eyes returned to the peaceful singer, happily wrapped around him. How could he be so relaxed, after everything he had done? Murdoc didn’t deserve this happiness, it was so much easier to suffer on his own. Suffering he had grown accustomed too, he didn’t have to pretend to be happy. He didn’t have to pretend to love himself. He didn’t have to be afraid to think about his own issues, because he knew that everyone around him had it worse. Not only did they have it worse, but it was worse because he was around. 

“M-... Murdoc?...” Stuarts soft voice, “Murdoc what's wrong?” Stuart sat up quickly, hands gently brushing away the tears that rolled down the bassists cheeks. Stop it. Stop feeling sorry. Stop caring. Murdoc knew he didn’t deserve it. “Murdoc, talk to me. If there somefin’ wrong I wanna ‘elp yew..” Stuart sighed, beginning the fruitless battle he had with the man. No matter what they had been through together, Murdoc still refused to open up.

The bassist reluctantly met Stuarts eyes, “Why are you..” He sighed, dropping his head into his hands. “... Here. With me.” Murdoc tried to convey his thoughts, but they continued to muddle in his mind. He couldn’t THINK straight, “I’m so much.. I don’t do anything that, I’m not. I’m not I’m not.. What you want. Ever.. I can’t be. I’m not even myself anymore.”

Stu’s brow furrowed, desperately trying to understand his partners words. Not what he wanted? “Mudz, if yew weren’t what I wanted I wouldn’t be here…” Stuart mumbled sofly, “Wh… What dew yew mean yewr no’ yewrself? Yewr Mudz, yew always have been!” He flashed a grin. Damn that grin, that warm welcoming smile that Murdoc didn’t deserve. Fuck! Why was this so hard to explain, Stuart was there - he should already know!

“I turned into the man I hated the most, Stu…. I’ve hurt you so much. I’m not what you want, so why are you here? Are… You tha’ scared y’aint gonna leave even when y’free?” Murdoc finally voiced his concerns, they had been building up for so long. “Everything I did to you on Plastic Beach.. Even before that. 

“Is.. Tha’ what this is ‘bout?” It didn’t take long for Stu to connect the dots. He remembered well enough, especially the moment Murdoc had asked him to his trailer, only to tell him… All of those things. “Mudz..” Stuart sighed, “I can’t forgive yew. What yew did to me wont ever be… Okay. But… Tha’ don’t mean we can’t be okay! Yew’ve changed so much already, like yew don’t hit me anymore! That’s why I’m hear, coz I lo-... Care… About you. And Gorillaz... “ Stuart gently Cupped Murdocs face in his hands, tilting his head up to meet his eyes. “I… Don’t fink yewr ya dad Mudz, I just fink… Y’damaged. But so is everyone, just… Yewr a bit more damaged than others. But tha’s okay, coz I got glue!”

Murdoc leaned his head into the singers touch, savoring every moment he had with Stu. If only it was that simple, if only he could just believe 2D and everything would be alright again. It wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve kind words, he didn’t deserve any of this. “Glue…” Murdoc mimicked absentmindedly. Some days he just wished he could of hit some other half brain singer, and spared Stuart all of this pain. 

In the end, Murdoc had gotten what he wanted. But he still felt empty, and he doubted that emptiness would ever go away. He was damned, perhaps already lingering in hell. This is what he deserved. 

He deserved this, Stuart said it once.  
He deserved this, the fans say it.  
He deserved this. 

But.. Just a few more days. Only a few more where he was happy. In a swift motion he had flipped the singer beneath him, pressing his lips to the others. He stole a soft kiss - causing the singer to blink in surprise. Murdoc was never… tender. Never showed him anything close to fondness, but he wasn’t complaining either. Shutting his  eyes in order to return the other man's kiss. It lasted a few moments too short, before Murdoc pulled away - and collapsed on top of him. His face tucked itself into Stuarts next, clinging to him tightly. 2D could only sigh, gently petting his hair.

Before long, Murdocs breathing slowed, and his body relaxed - signaling that he had fallen asleep. Stuart turned his eyes towards the window. The sky was full of gray clouds, but blue peaked out just a little bit. The rain beat against the window, though the singer found it oddly relaxing. It was such a calm, nice day. If only it wasn’t raining, he’d drag Murdoc out somewhere. He knew the bassist pretended not to like running around with him.

He knew a lot more about Murdoc than he felt the bassist realized. He had learned Murdocs ways of showing affection, and accepted he was different. While Plastic Beach had scarred him, he firmly believed that Murdoc had the capability to change. He showed that more and more with each passing day, almost as if he wanted to get better. It filled Stuart with the type of relief he hadn’t known before. Maybe there was hope for them after all, perhaps a happy ending. Either way, Stuart just wanted to have faith. His eyes remaining on the sky. 

Blue Gray.


End file.
